Articles #3 August 16th, 2004

Greenery by Emily

One day I was sitting around my house, suffering from writer's block, trying to find a topic for the tablean times. My sister walked in the room and, smart person that I am, I asked her what to write an article about. She told me to write about grass, of all things. Being stubborn and stupid, I told her I would. She looked at me skeptically, as if I could just as soon fly, without being carried by a giant, man eating bird, and so I took on the challenge. I promised I would write an article about whatever she told me to every month. This should be interesting.
Back to the grass dilemma, I started trying to think of things that were interesting about grass. Personally, I though Lady Mallory of Perfect Lawn probably knew a lot more about grass than me, and would probably have thought of something good. After much thought, I settled upon this. You can now take my glorious quiz to see what common plant you are! And yes, you could end up being grass. So, what plant are you?

1. You're sprinting, full speed down the hall. Why?
A. I am in the process of chasing down and killing the scourge that called me a bi*** and posting his head on a door as a warning sign to all others who call me anything but nice.
B. Some guy is trying to kill me!!!!!
C. I'm racing one of my friends to the next class. We're both late.
D. I'm testing the reactions of people to other people's odd behavior as part of my psychology experiment.

2. Some guy comes up to you and asks if you want to go make out in the janitor's closet. You:
A. Castrate him.
B. Mutter something and blush, wishing to fade into the wall.
C. Point him to the nearest slut and later laugh about it with your friends.
D. Question him on his motives for doing this, as well as his opinions on politics, religion and major issues. It's a great opportunity to study the effects of perversion on other oppionions.

3. You get up at:
A. Whenever I feel like it, anyone who tries to get me up sooner can feel my wrath.
B. Whenever your Mom says you have to.
C. Late, because you like to go out at night or really early so you have time to enjoy the enire day with your friends.
D. Early- you have 12 tests to study for!

4. You're faveriote color is:
A. Red, the color of blood.
B. Cream- a nice calm, unoppinionated color that will cause no conflicts with any other colors.
C. Something neon- because it stands out and isn't boring.
D. It depends on your mood. Do you feel happy enough to be yellow today? Or is it black day today?

5. People are:
A. Idiots.
B. Frightening.
C. Amazing to talk to and be around!
D. A fascinating paradox of mysterious psychologies and dramatic conflicts.

6. Animals are:
A. Also idiots.
B. Nicer than people, they don't argue.
C. Nice, but they can't talk so I'd rather be around people.
D. Good to experiment on.

7. Death is:
A. Your fate.
B. My fate.
C. Too far in the future to worry about.
D. An enigma.

8. Hi.
B. Um… hi?
C. Heya! My name is ____!! You look kinda like the guy the other day, interesting story! Okay, so I'm walking down the street…
D. I can say hi in 57 different languages!

9. If I had a super power it'd be:
A. Super strength! I'd beat you all!!!!
B. Invisibility.
C. *humming and dancing around* spider-man, spider man! I'm sorry, All I heard was super power. Can you repeat the question? *continues singing*
D. To be able to fly so I could see the world!

10. *drumroll* here comes the final question!!!!
A. F*** this, I'm leaving.
B. Too much pressure! I'm leaving!
C. I have a party to go to! I'm leaving!
D. *explosion* O dear, my experiment! I'm leaving!

10. (continued) O… never mind.

Mostly A's:
You're a stinging nettle. You won't stand for any crap, from being weeded out a garden to being lied to. If someone tries to hurt you, you give them a nice red welt to show for it. However, this leaves you with many enemies, ranging from the lawn mower to your ex-boyfriend. Your life of anger will be exhausting and enthralling alternately, but never boring.

Mostly B's:
You are grass. The people walk on you and the stinging nettle kicks you're a**. You may be trying to be nice, and that does leave you loved and pampered by many lawn freaks and friends. However, people tend to take advantage of you and would, if possible, use you until you were a brown, dandelion infested, tweaking out patch of lawn.

Mostly C's:
You're a tree. Large roots of confidence allow you to form giant branches that shelter smaller creatures that can't face the world on their own. People flock to you for your friendliness and vibrant personality. You love to be the center of the yard, watched and admired by all.

Mostly D's:
You're a potato. All your life you grow and grow, learning from all the rest of the plants. When you finally meet a tragic end, all of your work will be appreciated by future generations, who eat your potato of knowledge, and learn from your life.

Another Epic Review:
Cafeteria Food
By Emily I

As an critic, it's part of my job to find out what the people want to hear about. Obviosly, the importance of a thing is directly related to the time spent on it. Since people spend hours and hours in line for school food, it must be quite important. So, is it worth it? I journeyed to an average school to find out.
Next to me in line was a hot, yet bored looking guy. I used my job as a critic as an excuse to talk to him, thereby forcing him to turn his hot eyes towards mine. "Hi, I'm Emily, I'm a critic for the tablean times. What can you tell me about cafeteria food?"
"Hey, I'm Toe," replied the youth, "Don't tell me I have a weird name. My parents named me while Dad was drunk and Mom was still half-asleep from the aenestetics."
"That's nice," I commented unsurely, "Can I call you anything but Toe, otherwise I may burst out laughing."
"Well," Toe said thoughtfully, "Some people just call me T."
I snickered. "Sorry, it's just… well… T is…"
"Is what?"
"When I was little my cousin Paige and I made up an imaginary girlfriend for my brother, Peter. We called her T, which stood for topless, which she was. She was a blow-up doll. An INVISIBLE, topless, blow-up doll."
"Ooookaaay…" Toe was beginning to sound rather creeped out. "Anyways, about the food. There is *poses dramatically* THE LEGEND OF THE LINE."
"Tell me it!"
"Well, once upon a time there was a boy who was standing in line. Just your ordinary kid, but people kept budging that day. The bell rang and still he had no lunch. That's when this perfectly normal kid completely snapped. No one knows why he broke that particular day. Some say he had family issues, some say he suffered from a broken heart and some say he was really a women and was PMSing at the time. Whatever the case, he pole vaulted across the line to insanity.
"The boy refused to leave the line. He sat through a passing time, and into the next lunch mod. Before they re-opened the line several people went ahead of him, with passes to the front of the line as rewards for good behavior. Then the viscios budging cycle continued. The mod after that he was in the bathroom when the lines opened. The next lunch mod he had fallen asleep. He stayed in that line over night, and well into the next day. He slept on the floor, breathed the nauseating cafeteria air and obviously ate nothing, since he was still in line.
"For days he could get no lunch. Every time the line re-started something happened. There was always someone there. Days and nights passed, each one as lunchless as the last. Finally, the boy died."
"He DIED?!" I exclaimed.
"Yes," said Toe, happy to see my interest in his ramblings (and him).
"Well, what did the school DO?"
"Hold on, I'm getting to that part!"
"So, the next morning they discovered his body. The principal and vice principal came out to investigate. 'It appears there is a dead student in our line, sir,' the vice principal said emotionlessly.
"'It would appear so,' said the principal.
"'What's your plan of action, sir?'
"'This boy was obviously a juvenile delinquent, missing so many classes to simply stand in a line. Children follow the example of delinquents. They think rebels are "cool". They may try to follow his example. I believe at this time our best course of action is to outlaw dying before it becomes a gang symbol.'
"'My thoughts exactly, sir.'
"With that the administration forgot about him. Another day, another death, why should they care about the well-being of those forced to be in their school? As a proud student, however, I will always remember him *tear*!"
Having heard that story, I thought that cafeteria food must be something incredible. I knew that if students spent this much time in line for it, it would need to be quite good indeed. I hadn't even had any yet, but there was already a black mark on this products record.
However, another effect of this story was the conclusion that I couldn't just stand in line. I had to get lunch another way. So, with fox-like grace I silently exited the line. I stood by where the line let out. "Thank you, *reads screen* Jared," said the lunch lady. A boy exited the line.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" I screamed a war cry and jumped, tackling "Jared". However, being as light as I am my tackle had fairly little effect. In fact, as I landed, body slamming into one of his shoulders he grabbed my with his spare hand and swung me around to the front of him. I braced myself for being hurled across the lunch room, but instead found something even more horrifying occurred. Roughly, forcibly, he pushed his lips onto mine and promptly started feeling up my breast. He waited a few moments before reluctantly allowing himself to be pushed away.
"EWW!!!!!!!! PERV! You are NOT supposed to do that!"
"Then why did you fling yourself into my arms?"
"Fling myself into you...?!?!?!!?? I was TRYING to steal your lunch."
"Mighty find job your doing of it. With you immense strength," he raised one eyebrow in a smirk, "and height."
"Shut up and give me your lunch, perv!"
His eyes down my shirt, he spoke in tones that suggested things I'd rather not think about. "What'll you give me for it?"
So, I kneed him in the nads, took the lunch and ran for dear life. He chased right after me, and with his faster speed he gained quickly. I tossed a French fry behind me and it impaled his eye. Screaming, he stopped his pursuit. Finnally, I began on the stolen lunch.
The food was quite possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. The burger literally bounced, the bun was stale, there was something severely deformed with those French fries, which were basically deep-fried air since there was NO potato there whatsoever. I give it four stars.
Why give four our of four stars to such food? Well, as disgusting as it was it had an amazing side effect. Now I can fly and see though walls! Apparently, the chemicals in school food have made me a superhero! Like getting bitten by a radioactive bug!!! In conclusion, the line and crummy food are worth it to be able to fly into someone's window.

The Quiet Observancies of a Sleepy Mind- On the Internent

(Not exactly thrilling reading, but in case someone wondered.)

By M.Heinz

It's late. You yawn. Go to bed? Tried it. And, you didn't fall asleep like usual. The proof? Well, you're still here on the computer, awake and surfing as usual.

You have five windows of Internet up. One; your email. It's been deadly quiet there, and that window is up purely out of hope and habbit. The second? This article.

Thirdly, Neopets, Send and Reccive. Yet another despie wanting your ruggedly handsome made up man to come to their rp. Feh.

Fourth: Seventh Sanctum Generator Site. It's blessed good fun for a foggy mind like yourself.

And the fifth; the rp the despie from Window three sent you. Hey! You were really bored! Nothing is really happening there, because you arrived late and the despie was already proclaiming her love to the rp charecter Satan. You ponder if you could have competed with, what his siggy claims, "the world's best ladies' man. You read his posts. Yep. You could of.

Then you start thinking: Perhpas one way to find a girl hiding under the false pretence of being a man is by the amount of girls they get. I mean, REAL guys are easy to identify. They're "pick up" descriptions are:

Ryan. Hot male single. Is gothic and has pierced tounge. Black hair. Single. Wearing baggy pants. Single.

Now, you, as a "man," baiting despies (because it's way too easy, and it's fun to laugh at pathetic girls..) would have:

Ryan sauntered in, hands stuck caually into the pockets of baggy pants that highlighted his well-toned figure. Dark, sable hair flipped into his face. His mannorism and clothing suggested his being Goth, and his attitude only confirmed it. He had lost his last girlfriend that way, she having claimed he was "too black for her."

Now, as a girl with any brain; who would you pick? Easy. The one who takes the time to actually write more than a line.

Moving on, why does any girl want an online boyfriend, for tops, ten minutes? It's strange. And on Neopets? Any sort of relationship is semi-banned by the language screener. You don't understand despies.

You wonder what sort of people are despies? You sort them into three categories.

One) Adults. Married people who are currently either 1.) Wishing they were young and dating again or 2.) are unhappy with their partners. Or, single people who cannot find a mate and turn to fictional, unreachable people for solace.

Two) Teens. Somehow, a teenager finds the thrill of attracting someone easier to aquire on the Internet rather than in real life. Sad, really.

Three) People who are neither sad, desperate, unhappy, or wishing they were young; People like you, who pretend to be desperate at times to bait and later trick other desps.

Which brings you to another thought: Why am I wasting my time on desps when I could be sleeping? You answer with: No real reason.I'm going to bed.

Good choice.

Kym's Thoughts by Kym (Beth's Sister)

"the poor man weeps for your soul," she whispered to my foot, although i could not hear her, i could read her lips and only hope the day would come when someone would rip them off her face

When the rain falls on my lowly heart, an angel cries out in pain "go have sex with a llama please" and god smites the wicked with a heavy stick marked "BASEBALL WINNER" and then a large ox, no bigger than my sister appears in the corner of my eye and begins to charge..... the end is near (church music)

So ask me why these girls are associated with me and I will answer: I do not know, for I know few of them (namely Bethany "the crotch" Costello and Greta "Bullpen" Lastname) but they call themselves the "Table dwellers" or something… I can't remember I lost my brain cells in a high rolling bet last week against a metopod.

So the real question is, where do you find logic in this crazy mixed up world? Is it with a psychotic ex boyfriend who keeps TPing your house? Or with the waves that crash against the war torn sands of [PLACE]?


SO, young, hopeless, tired, dirty, angry souls draw into my window and I will shed some light on you….

When you imagine the perfect guy,
there's so many little things you want him to do, little qualities he should posses, etc. etc.
One brave soul, our own Emily, decided to start a list on Valentine's Day of some of those nit-picky things Mr. Right oughta have. Passed around and added to, here is the FINAL RESULTS:

1. You could come to him sobbing your head off and he wouldn't mind. He'd be happy just for the excuse to hold you. And so he'd feel honored if you cried on his shoulders for hours on end.
2. He'd have really nice shoulders so that you could sob into them for hours in the first place.
3. He'd smell good. Not, like, all cologney (ew!). Like... as if he had BATHED recently and had a CLEAN SHIRT on.
4. He WOULD bathe regularily and have a clean shirt on
5. He either wouldn't be perverted or would be cutely ashamed of being perverted and hide it well.
6. He would never ever even THINK of other girls because he worshiped you so much.
7. He would worship the very ground you walked upon.
8. For valentine's day he would get you more personal things than stupid flowers... Like CRAYONS!!!!!!!!
9. He would think you were pretty and constantly tell you so.
10. He would be WILLING to sacrifice a lot for you but you'd love him to much to make him.
11. He would tell you "You can always run to me. Even if we get in a huge fight, hate each other and don't speak for sixty years if your old car breaks down in front of my house you can wobble in here on your cane and I'll help you anyways. I'll ALWAYS be there." And actually mean it.
12. He would have perfect six-pack abs and find funny excuses to not wear a shirt.
13. He would put up with your PMS.
14. He would put up with your FRIENDS PMS.
15. He would put up with your MOMS PMS at your wedding.
16. He'd have lots of gay friends to go shopping with.
17. He'd have lots of non-gay friends to set your friends up with.
18. He wouldn't do that whole guy thing of being so much stupider and jerky around his stupid friends.
19. He'd call. Every day.
20. He'd take you places. A lot.
21. He would stop to talk to you every time he randomly saw you in the hallway.
22. You would pretend to trip (or in the case of certain clutzes like me, actually trip). He would catch you.
23. He would understand the concept that kissing can be just kissing and crying on his shoulder does not entitle him to anything.
24. He would laugh. All the time.
25. YOU would laugh. All the time. Because he would be so encredibly funny.
26. Perfect teath.
27. He would even think the parts of you you hate most (my hair, my nose) were abosolutely perfect and tell you so.
28. He would be in a really good band and write love songs to you all the time.
29. He would never dump you r cheat on you.
30. Or do anything to hurt you. Ever.
31. He would thing everything pathetic about you was cute and sexy.
32. He would be smart (unlike most guys). So you could have him in your advanced and AP classes.
33. He wouldn't ever get angry at YOU. Cutely hurt, yes, But you'd always be able to beg him into forgiving you.
34. He'd have reallly nice arms.
35. He'd be an amazingly good kisser but not be perverted about anything.
36. He would think the sluts and preps were stupid, not hot. Not ever hot.
37. He would be all sweet without being gross and clingy and finishing your sentences for you adn all that crap.
38. His eyes would sparkle.
39. If you ever got in a fight he'd apologize.
40. He would think it was good you were a "real woman" and ate "real food" like fudge and pie and be disgusted with dieters.
41. He would threaten anybody who gave you trouble (Other guys, teachers, Rob, etc)
42. He would remember if you told him you had a dentist appointment and take you out for ice cream later.
43. He would remember things!
44. He would have a sexy voice.
45. He would be driving already.
46. He would have a trans-am (black)
47. He wouldn't like everything you do, but tries his best to for your sake
48. He would be friends with your friends.
50. He would know when you need to be alone.
51. He would know just when to say "I love you."
52. He would say "I love you" and mean it.
53. He would give you his lunch pin and locker combo.
54. You could give him your lunch pin and locker combo.
55. He wouldn't wear socks with sandals. (This is essental.)
56. He would be a fabluos rider.
57. He wouldn't be able to spell worth beans.
58. He would have good hand-writing.
59. He wouldn't make fun of your bad hand writing.
60. He would call you his muse for his songs.
61. He would throw rocks at your window at 2:00 in the morning only on nights he knew you went to bed early.
62. He would then after throwing rocks at your window take you dancing and driving thu cornfields to the light of the moon.
63. He would be able to dance.
64. He would help you with your homework.
65. He wouldn't discuss your butt with other guys.
66. If he did, he would punch out anybody else who commented, positivly or negitivly.
67. He wouldn't care about politics.
68. He wouldn't be cemented to a skate board or Game Boy controls.
69. He would know the difference between dandylions and "real" plants.
70. He would rent a row boat and row you out to the middle of White Bear Lake where he would serenade you on his guitar.
72. He would be able to teach YOU how to tango.
73. Or play guitar.
74. He would be, inevitably, rich.
75. He wouldn't flaunt his inevitable richness.
76. He would always be on time. Always.
77. He would have an awesomely crazy family you can't help but get along with.
78. He'd think he needs YOU.
79. You'd think you'd need him.
80. He'd be unafraid to wear pink - and look really good in it too!
81. He wouldn't think any double standards on your part were silly - he'd go above and beyond them.
82. He'd meet you in the most fun and romantic way possible so you have an awesome story to tell your friends.
83. He wouldn't make you relinquish your anime/on screen boyfriends, though he'd try to write a story in which he beats them all to get a character that sounds suspiciously like you.
84. He wouldn't make fun of your lack of coordination - or if he would, it'd still be cute enough that it doesn't matter.
85. He would be a wonderful hugger.
86. And you would remember it everyday because he would hug you every day...even in the crouded hallway.
87. However, he would not feel you up in the hallway and make out with you in the hallway....because he would not do that untill you told him to.
88. He would tell you that he missed you even if he just saw you...but not too much cause that would be annoying.
89. He would never be ashamed to hold your hand...he would hold your hand.
90. He would do something special for you on Valentine's day.
91. He would remember your birthday.
92. You could always tell him your problems and he would never get annoyed with you.
93. He could tell you his problems.
94. He would occasionally take you to a movie.... or a drive in movie...and he would pay if he was the one who asked you to go.
95. He would be polite to your parents.
96. He would try and make you fell better if you are having a bad day even if it makes him look stupid.
97. He would get in a fight with someone bigger than him for you.
98. He would never keep your relationship a secret from anyone.
99. He would always be happy to see you.
100. He would love to snuggle for hours
101. He would whisper "sweet nothings" in your ears
102. He could write, beautiful poems that make you cry right in the middle of science class.
103. When he would visit you in the hallways he'd run up to you and pick you up and swing you around.
104. He would pay the carnie to keep reserves to the carousel and you and him would ride the horsie over and over again.
105. He would give excellent pedicures.
106. Cheer you up when you are down
107. Give you pictures made out of macaroni and glue that say, "I love you XOXOXOXOXO"
108. An awesome car
109. When you start to complain from walking too much in Disney world, he'd give you a piggyback ride.
110. He wouldn't mine you doing his hair.
111. He'd let you win in video games.
112. He could cook.
113. He'd look cute in an apron.
114. Great taste in music.
115. He would make a billboard that read, "I love (your name here)!"
116. He'd give you Eskimo kisses.
117. He would have superpowers (that might be pushing it, but it would still be cool to fly around with him)
118. He'd call you up at night just to say goodnight and then read you bedtime stories over the phone and stop once he heard snoring.

That's it girls. Now go out and find the guy who has everything on the list!!


Okay, so that's pushing it...


Answering Service at A Mental Institute taken from Tidbits by Greta Anderson

"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline"

· If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
· If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you
· If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6
· If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace you calls.
· If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
· If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what number to press.
· If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
· If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
· If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969.
· If you have amnesia press 8, and please state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
· If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
· If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
· If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
· If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.